


I’m Dead If I Can’t Count On You Today

by tellthosewithpowersafeintheirtower



Category: Newsies!: the Musical - Fierstein/Menken
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Angsty Jack Kelly, Anxiety Attacks, Anxious Davey Jacobs, Anxious Jack Kelly, Boys In Love, Canon Era, Comfort, Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Falling In Love, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Getting Together, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, Idiots in Love, Implied/Referenced Past Child Abuse, Jack Kelly Deserves All The Hugs, Jack Kelly Gets A Hug, Jack Kelly Needs a Hug, Jack Loves Him, M/M, Mentioned Crutchie, Mutual Pining, Past Child Abuse, Sad Jack Kelly, Soft Jack Kelly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-14
Updated: 2019-04-19
Packaged: 2020-01-12 10:33:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,084
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18444776
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tellthosewithpowersafeintheirtower/pseuds/tellthosewithpowersafeintheirtower
Summary: In the aftermath ofSanta Fe, an all too close encounter with Snyder leaves a shaken Jack reeling. The strike on Newsies Square was an absolute failure, and Jack Kelly knows it's his fault. He knows, heknowshe should have been there and if the image of Crutchie, helpless and carted off to the Refuge burn into his brain until he wants to collapse into his dream, need, for Santa Fe until this nightmare seems a little brighter he knows he doesn't deserve it.What Jack Kelly was not counting on was  Davey appearing at the edge of the rooftop, soft, hesitating, and undeniably concerned as he stepped closer to a dreamer who is veering closer and closer to falling apart.Lucky thing one Davey Jacobs is nothing if not stubborn, and there's not a chance he's leaving Jack alone like this.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Ooookay.
> 
> Um, hello again! *excited waving* It's great to see you. Here's... a little something I put together. I'm generally a little self-conscious about my writing and kind of posted my last one-shot on impulse. As such, I don't really have a lot of post-worthy content or a schedule right now but I am definitely still very deep in writing Newsies fanfiction. I still have no idea if I'm doing this right. I'm not sure how to title or summarize or if I'm doing so acceptably, but I hope I did alright <3
> 
>  **Trigger warning for the following!** Jack has a panic attack and references to past abuse are present, while not explicit or very detailed
> 
> There will be comfort and love at the end, I promise

Jack's breaths came hot and fast in sharp gasp for air. His throat burned and his eyes itched, feeling hot as he sucked in another painful breath. Taking a staggering step backwards, he pressed the heel of his palms against his eyes. He screamed out in frustration, and tried, _tried_ to ignore the way the weight on his shoulders ached. The air on the rooftop was cold, not cold enough- still just hot enough it wasn't far enough away from the sweat spilling scream filled square and the too-packed hunch of bodies in the Refuge.

This was all his fault.

Kids, screamin', bleedin', _everywhere_. Jack's kids. Jack's brothers. Crutchie, busted up so bad and pleading and screaming for Jack please Jack do something-

Jack didn't

Jack didn't Jack didn't Jack didn't Jack didn't and now-

Snyder's bellow filled him so much with familiar fear and every instinct in his body had his knees lock up. With his heart in his throat, his brain was screaming at him to _runrunrunrunrun_ but you're not fast enough, you're never fast enough in the Refuge and Crutchie-

Crutchie couldn't

Jack's fault. Jack's blood, their blood on his hands, and screams over what his stupid dumb big mouth sucked them all into. He should have learned to stop talking by now. Stop talking, stop talking, Kelly, _listen to me boy_ -

"Jack."

The word was so soft, so achingly gentle and uncharacteristically fond in a way he knew he didn't deserve. He froze, heart stalling painfully in his chest. "Davey," his voice raw, and cracked painfully. He swallowed and didn't move- just let his breathing catch as he tried to will his shoulders to stop shaking. He didn't want Davey to see him like this. He didn't want anyone to see him like this, but Davey, Davey...

He heard rustling behind him, and then Dave was there. Soft and hesitating, he could just imagine the way the taller boy bit his lip as his hand wavered inches above Jack's arm.

"Oh, Jackie..." Davey's voice was breathless, and Jack's heart twisted painfully at how utterly heartbroken he sounded at just seeing Jack like this. He spit out a muffled, choked, "Just _go_ , Dave." Davey didn't, and if anything Jack felt him shift closer. He could imagine him straightening the way he did when he was dead set on something, eyes sharpening.

Jack pressed the base of his hands deeper, letting out a wet gasp of frustration, dangerously choked- and then cool, nimble fingers laced around his wrist and tugged them away. Jack tried to squeeze his eyes shut as quickly as he could to try and block out the image of Davey's face as soon as possible. Features twisted in concern with too bright blue eyes wide in question, Davey Jacobs manages to look like the most beautiful stupid painting in Jack's head without even trying.

"You should g-" and he can't even finish his sentence without his words giving way under him. Jack's shoulders trembled. 

"The most important thing I could be focused on is right here." The words were stronger than Davey had expected them to be, and even though he felt himself go pink and a flutter of anxiety lurched in his chest he couldn't bring himself to regret it.

Jack took another shuddering breath. Davey's grip on his wrists loosen and Jack twitched, but made no move to tug them out of reach. Then, another, feather light, "Jack..."

He opened his eyes, resisting the urge to wince at the sudden intensity of the world surrounding him. He swallowed hard, feeling his ragged breathing and the undeniable sense his heartbeat was off. Jack found his gaze once more startled with the piercing gaze of one Davey Jacobs- before his eyes snagged on the beginning of what might be a painful looking bruise on the other boy's cheek. A muffled curse echoed in his mind as his fingers reached out shakily towards it. "Aw, Davey..."

Wincing slightly at the gesture, Davey forced a smile that sent a pang through Jack's chest. "I'm fine, Jack. Really."

Jack felt his throat tighten. Davey- Davey shouldn't even _be_ here, he should be worried about Les or-or school, instead of some stupid strike and getting busted up for a bunch a kids he hadn't even known longer than a week. He should be grinning and smiling like when he finally let them see that glimmer of excitement in his heart and not bruising or hurt or twisted in pain because Jack was stupid and selfish and he couldn't take-

"Jack," There was a sharp edge to Dave's words as he locked gazes with Jack with startling intensity. "This isn't your fault."

Jack winced back with a derisive scoff. "How- how can you say that? You- you wouldn't even be here if it weren't for me!" His hand flew out in a sharp gesture, tone pained. "You din't even wanna strike in the first place an, an now you're here busted up all to-"

Jack was shaking harder than before, his breathing come in too fast, harsh gasps. His vision was blurring and dotting out with spots and _he couldn't breathe_.

He could faintly here Davey's pitch rise in a concerned, "Jack?" and when he moved closer Jack found himself shrinking back on instinct. Davey was stilled but Jack was only half-aware of the fact as he choked on his own breath, harshly sucking in air and this was what dying was like, wasn't it?

Half-consciously, he could hear Davey beginning to count numbers. He tried to get his eyes to focus, and he found that his hand was shaking and when he focused on it all that happened was it shook harder until he shoved it away from his line of sight, hard. He shook himself, stilled when his eyes met Davey's. Jack inhaled.

He let it out and a violent series of coughs escaped him, lungs burning in protest, but Dave's fingers curled around his. "Just breathe. You're doing great, Jackie, you're okay, you're here with me." Somehow Davey managed to keep his voice level, and when he started counting again Jack focused on trying to even his shaky breaths. He could barely hold them out at first, and his forehead pulsed with something sharp. Even jerking, he couldn't bring himself to look away from Davey Jacob's eyes.

The buzzing in his ears dulled. Slowly, Jack uncurled himself. He inhaled, and he let it out, canting another glance back at David. The ghost of something else darted in his gaze and the other boy relaxed.

"Are you alright, Jack?" Jack almost wanted to laugh at how purely concern bled into Davey's countenance. Over someone like him.

Jack swallowed, voice still rough as he gritted out, "I'm good." Tipping his head up ever so slightly, he amended, "Better." 

Jack's fingers twitched and Davey tugged his hand back, flushing as he offered a tight-lipped smile. He tried to ignore the the cold that graced his fingers in the emptiness; Jack let his eyes dart away to a spot at the foot of the roof, glaring. Hollowly, he managed, "Crutchie," before Davey broke in.

"Wouldn't want you to blame yourself." There was a steel to his words, one that hadn't dared to be there when at first he hovered uncertainly at the fringes of the square the first day he came selling. Jack flinched, feeling his breath snag between his teeth. But it didn't lose consistency the way it had earlier.

"This wasn't your fault, Jack."

Dave's whisper hung in the air, frozen for another moment. Jack twisted, swallowed a pained noise as a flash of emotion swallowed him again. 

"This is so _stupid_ ," Jack spat out, feeling helpless. "I shouldn't, I shouldn't-" He used the hem of his sleeve to aggressively swipe at his eyes and hot, angry tears. They didn't stop.

Cautiously, hesitantly, Davey stepped forward in question. "Can I-" His hands wavered uncertainly, half-out from his chest.

Jack felt his eyes run the skyline as he tried to shove back the heat building in his eyes and throat. Davey's words were hung half-finished in the air, and the silent query of 'is it okay if I touch you' hit him with a physical blow of warmth. _As if Davey had ever had to ask._ A jerky nod, rough, murmured, " 'Course." Jack's shoulders slumped; he braced himself for a hand on his shoulder or wrapped around his arm. A garbled laugh, and, "Wha-"

All the words were knocked out of his lungs when slender arms wrapped around him. 

Jack didn't move. He scarcely breathed, terrified so much as a twitch would take the sudden warmth spreading to his fingers and perfection before he could register it as real. _Oh._ O-oh. Davey was, Davey was hugging him and even if he wavered uncertainly he drew Jack closer and didn't make any moves to let go of him. His breathing hitched and he sensed Davey resting his chin in the crook of Jack's neck. Then he crumbled, sunk back into his embrace and a half-sob tore its way from his throat. His hands twitched, wanting to fly and try to muffle his cries. He felt Davey draw him nearer and every ounce of resistance melted away in an instant. Hot tears blurred his vision and spilled down his cheeks, but Jack couldn't bring himself to care. His throat burned. He felt himself fall apart, and Davey Jacobs hold onto him as though the only thing that mattered in the world was drawing Jack Kelly close and holding him together.

The world didn't go away, but the hurt paused for a moment. Let two boys brace against the strength and care of each other.

A few tears dripped down his nose and swam his vision, but no more spilled over. He swallowed, thickly. 

The tears slowed, but his throat still burned and his face felt hot and tear-streaked. He took in another shuddering breath and felt a soothing murmur from the other boy. Jack realized David had begun to rock ever so slightly. He'd begun to hum faintly, it was a tune Jack didn't recognize but the warm breath of Davey on his skin and his stupid pretty voice was enough that Jack couldn't bring himself to care.

"We can't stay here forever, Dave." That- wasn't what he wanted to say.

A breathless laugh, and Davey smiled as he shifted, burying a smile into Jack's neck. "Is there anybody who's going to stop us?"

The words were fond, teasing, but laced with a trace of hesitance. Doubt.

Jack huffed out, closed his eyes and let himself lean back and smiled. "Guess not."

They stayed there, for a while. Davey smiling with his arms wrapped around him like a shield against the world with Jack trembling, breath hitching as he let a few tears fall. In that moment, nothing else seemed to matter but Jack and Davey, and the sincerest emotion of holding each other close against the darkness of the world- quiet, stolen moments with the giddiest of smiles from loving each other in the purest form.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much if you'd read this far! I had a really fun time writing this and my friend pushed me to get this up as soon as they read it. I'm debating uploading a second part (that has kisses and More Gay™) that I have mostly completed, but I'm not sure. Let me know if you'd like to see it or if you enjoyed the story! I'd love to hear from you incredible people and I hope you have the most wonderful day!


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the aftermath of Santa Fe, an all too close encounter with Snyder leaves a shaken Jack reeling. The strike on Newsies Square was an absolute failure, and Jack Kelly knows it's his fault. He knows, he knows he should have been there and if the image of Crutchie, helpless and carted off to the Refuge burn into his brain until he wants to collapse into his dream, need, for Santa Fe until this nightmare seems a little brighter he knows he doesn't deserve it.
> 
> What Jack Kelly was not counting on was Davey appearing at the edge of the rooftop, soft, hesitating, and undeniably concerned as he stepped closer to a dreamer who is veering closer and closer to falling apart.
> 
> Lucky thing one Davey Jacobs is nothing if not stubborn, and there's not a chance he's leaving Jack alone like this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh so I'm really touched by how many people have commented or liked this! Thank you all so much! I decided to indeed add the second chapter. I'm not sure if I like it as much as the first but I had a fun time writing this
> 
> Thank you all again! I hope you all have an amazing week and wish you nothing but the best

Davey lifted his chin and Jack almost whined at the sudden cold until he felt Davey tip his head back and his chin pressed down on the top of Jack's head.

He huffed. Was Davey standing on his toes or somethin' to make himself taller?

"You ain't even that much taller than me," the petulant half-grumble Jack found himself giving earned a bright, sharp noise of surprised laughter from Davey that had Jack's heart stutter in his chest.

_He was so screwed._

  


When Davey drew away, gangly limbs awkwardly unfolding, hands fluttering uncertainly at his side, Jack found himself missing the presence sooner than it was gone. Eyes warm and cheeks flushed, Davey's lips parted infinitesimally with the ghost of sound and Jack forced himself to look away, out beyond the rooftop, before he did something stupid and impulsive he'd regret.

"Why," Jack's voice was barely audible, the phantom of a noise. He licked his lips uncertainly and turned to meet Davey's gaze, eyes troubled. "Why did you come here?"

"Wha... Jack, you're the leader of the strike, everyone's worried about you. We can't do this withou-"

"That's not what I meant," Jack broke in. A ghost of a smile along with something warm fluttered in his chest as Dave sputtered and his hands fumbled in the air for another few moments as he tried to recollect himself. Jack's hand moved to pull back through his hair as he huffed out lightly. "I mean why are you-" His hand darted back and forth between the two of them, motioning noiselessly. What even _was_ this between them?

Davey watched for a moment, brow quirked, lips twitching and seemingly lost. Jack made a noise of aggravation, twisting around and gesticulating wildly. "I mean, what are you even doin here Dave? What's in it for you, wha, what do you _want_ from me?"

"Want- wha-" Davey's eyes were blown wide shock and disbelief darting his features as he took a lurching step forward. Hands snaked around Jack's in an instant and that, that was nice.

"Jackie, the only thing I want for you is to be _okay_."

A disbelieving, high scoff tore itself from Jack's throat. Davey's hands twitched and when he realized what he'd done they twitched away on reflex, fingers flying down to fidget uselessly with the hem of his shirt as his eyes shot down. Jack stepped backwards, hands pressing against the railing as he found his back against the metal frame wrapped around the rooftop.

"I mean it soun's so _easy_ when you put it like _that._ " Jack was tired, his ears still rung unpleasantly and he curled his fingers tighter until he felt the cool bite of metal against his skin. He wanted to summon brash, cocky anger but all he could muster was a quiet, lost, "So why did you..."

Davey's lips quirked. "Come looking for you?" He finished, equally as soft. "Specs thought I would find you here. I didn't you to... be alone. I wanted to make sure you were okay."

The words sounded faint in the air. Jack watched the way Dave swallowed, eyes darting as his hands fidgeted restlessly. The newsboy closed his eyes and tipped his head head back. The idea that the other newsies were worried, concerned, for his well-being was... comforting and lit something pleasant and undeniably warm in his chest even if it shouldn't seem awful surprising an' all. Racer'd prolly...

"I care about you."

Jack's breath caught at the confession. He could hear Dave exhale shakily, sense some movement from across the rooftop.

In the same breath, painfully quietly: "A whole lot. Probably more than I should."

All sense of Davey's motion froze, and for an instant it seemed they scarcely breathed. Jack's eyes flicked open to where Dave, half-terrified, stared as if he hadn't given them permission to speak themselves. There was an air of vulnerability as Jack worked his jaw, struggling to grasp something levelled with a great deal more weight than a simple confession of friendship.

"I'se," Jack took a step forward cautiously, hands out non-threateningly. His eyes itched faintly (a reminder of the half-dried tear stains and dull pang from his forehead), voice still rough, "I'se, uh, sorry if I'm reading this wrong Dave an' we don't even have to talk about this again but I'm jus gonna..."

They were painfully close now, Davey breathing heavily and tense feeling as though he could dart and topple himself over the edge of the building at the drop of a cap.

Before he could bring himself to lose the nerve, Jack Kelly's fingers darted around the fabric of Davey Jacob's tie in one fluid motion and yanks the other boy closer. It's far from elegant, the kiss clumsy and more than anything Jack just mashed their lips together but then again it didn't seem either of them had ever really done this before.

The moment their lips met any coherent thought exploded from Jack Kelly's mind in a wave of sparks and all that's left is Davey. _Davey_ , Davey, each name full of more tenderness than the last and thick with varying emotion. A startled squeak of surprise tore itself from Davey's lips, eyes shooting wide in surprise. For a moment, Jack almost jerked back in a panic, guilty and horrified before Dave presses deeper and Jack felt every ounce of protest melt away in an instant.

When they drew back, Jack felt Davey rest his forehead on top his as a breathless laugh escaped him. Dave stared wide-eyed back at him, piercing and impossibly blue. The spark was _so much_ brighter than those of the rigid former schoolboy from seemed like lifetimes ago, but so incredibly recently in actuality.

Pulling himself away from Davey took a great deal more effort than he wanted to admit. He took a half-step back and cast an appraising look to the other boy, still close enough to feel the warmth of his breath.

"I'm-" He broke off, hand flying to rub self-consciously at his neck as he forced himself to swallow. He should apologize, he's supposed, he _ought_ to, but his lips still tingled in a painfully distracting way and he knew there was no way for the life of him he could bring himself to regret it.

"Jack Kelly," Davey said, sounding strangled and raw and honest in a way Jack had never heard him sound before. "If you actually apologize for this I swear I'm going to hit you with the nearest newspaper."

Jack gave a high, disbelieving laugh, tipping his head back and feeling cool air and moonlight spilling down his exposed throat. He felt a spare tear trace its way wearily down the line of his jaw. The cold feeling was an unpleasant one, but before Jack could bring himself to react he felt a thumb gently swiping the drop away. Opening his eyes, Jack looked back at Davey.

David gave a muffled squeak as he stammered a few nonsense syllables before he tugged his hands away, neatly lacing them as he pressed them into his lap. Jack felt his lips quirk in a half-smile, oddly endeared.

"That was-" He licked his lips, mouth dry. 

Davey smiled, murmuring a breathless, "Yeah."

Jack raked his fingers through his hair. "You didn't-" His hands clenched at his sides, fingers fiddling with each other as he swallowed hard. His voice rose uncertainly, "You didn't... mind?"

Davey's blue eyes flashed with something thoughtful. "I should have," he confessed, biting his lip before he let it roll out from between his teeth. Then the corners of his lips quirked, fond and gentle, "But I didn't."

"We're going to be okay," Even though there was a shaky undercurrent of self-doubt underlying his words, Davey kept his words firm. Jack snorted a laugh.

"You'se something else, Davey Jacobs."

"Do you mind?" Davey's voice was quiet and Jack found himself chuckling. Dave shot him a look and Jack smiled more shakily than he would like, but his eyes were open and honest.

"Nah. Not a chance."

Jack swallowed hard.

"So... 's this... 's this a thing, or.." His voice trembled pathetically and he hated how vulnerable he felt. He twisted his head away, feeling a noise of pain in his throat as he tried to still his breathing. This was so _stupid_...

"I've never met anyone like you," Davey's voice was painfully small. Jack breathed out through his nose, but couldn't bring himself to meet the other boy's gaze. There was shuffling, and he could imagine the way Davey would fidget with his fingers and bite his lip.

Davey seemed to sway, wavering uncertainly as he tried to find the words. "I mean it's not really... precedented but there are... those who do things one expects- to do, with others of the opposite sex. Romantically, I mean," Davey huffed out and made a strained noise of panic.

When Davey started speaking, Jack found his eyes flicking up to take in his expression.

Breathlessly, he uttered: "Courting," Davey's nose scrunched up in the most adorable way as he faltered awkwardly on that word before he went on. "And all that."

"If you want it to, do that, or-or something _like_ that I mean... I'd love nothing more than to try," Even the smallest of Davey Jacob's smiles were blinding, and Jack found himself breathless in the wake of it. Davey... Davey would want- 

None of the words inside his head seemed to form on his tongue. David's face fell a fraction.

In an instant Dave was straightening up and twisting away, fingers lacing so tightly about the railing his knuckles turned white and he stammered, "O-of course if you don't feel the same we don't have to- we can forget this all ever happened. I mean, it's... it's not like being together would be the safest decision and-being your friend is better than I could ever have asked for, you don't even have to really like me, I get the feeling most people do and I'm happy to be your friend. You don't have to do anything beyond that, I'm happy to do... _everything_ about the strike and... and hawking papers is... good, better than- I'm sorry if I've gone and messed this all up, I'm sure you don't even want to... be with boys like that or me in particular- which is fine!"

"Dave- Dave-" Jack tried to still the rambling, half-laughing and exasperated as he raised his voice to try to break through to the other boy. Davey remained undeterred, not registering Jack's attempts. Sighing, he rolled his eyes and: " ** _Davey_**." Davey jerked to a stop and silence fell after the the almost shout. Jack couldn't help but laugh at the wide-eyed, deer in the headlights expression as he finally hushed. A lot softer, unable to keep himself from smiling, "I'd, uh. I'd like that. A lot."

Davey's mouth fell half-open before he snapped it closed and nodded a little jerkily. "Okay. Okay... that's-" He turned to look at Jack, and shook his head almost as though he didn't believe it.

"You get yourself worked up in a tizzy like that all the time? Not good for you, y'know," Jack murmured as he stepped closer. Jack felt his pulse speed up when he watch Davey grow flustered, flushing as he shoved himself a step away and he fidgeted restlessly. Guys... things with guys seemed to be rushed, fleeting, lurching fell head into rushed kisses and gone before anything else had a moment to happen. This felt different, somehow. Softer and more pure. Jack Kelly had never believed in love at first sight, or any o' that sappy stuff, but this... it felt like a whirlwind and flurry of energy and passion swept them all up. They'd aged lifetimes in hours, bound by blood and days packed to full with people and movement and activity. 

Jack Kelly had never thought much of stuff like that til Davey Jacobs stupid smile made his heart do flips and he thought maybe he could grow to really like this boy.

Davey huffed, almost hesitant as he let his fingers twitch at his sides. "Good thing I have you then."

Jack felt his heart speed up and he took in a breath before he smiled. "Yeah. And I'se gots you."

There was a moment of silence after that. They had no need for words, just half-shy smiles as they breathed and took in the weight of everything that had happened. Then Jack took a breath and swiped at the corner of his eyes as he inhaled sharply, and the fragile delicacy was shattered.

"We'll get Crutchie back." Dave took a step forward, his hand going to rest on Jack's arm with more ease than earlier contact had. His voice was quiet, but his eyes flashed with a stubborn determination that made Jack want to roll his eyes at the surge of fondness at the simple lilt in his speech.

Jack licked his lips, throat dry as he scrubbed at some of the faint tear streaks still pressed along his cheeks. He swiveled his head to meet Dave's gaze, feeling his eyes soften fondly. He ducked his head, fingers twitching as he gazed at the hand around his arm, feeling his cheeks grow warm "Yeah. Yeah, we will."

And for the first time, Jack found himself _believing._


End file.
